when there's nothing left to burn

“It’s like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger’s on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal.” robert downey jr.
for what feels like forever fall out boy has been my therapy. i dont know what it was before that. but it was a part of everything i felt. i know i might not have smiled or talked at meet and greets from time to time. sometimes we had flown in at 5 am or i was sick or had something going on. sometimes i felt shy. sometimes just a bit off. most times i assume people dislike me when i meet them so i dont really talk a whole lot. but every single night on that stage is where i left everything that was twisted up inside my stomach. every single wish. everything. all of the big blackness poured out in sweat, words, screams. and i have to admit i let the fame bug crawl inside me and turn me into mr. hyde for a minute. but i was off of that a long time before anyone thinks i was- in fact all of “ioh” is about being off of it. unfortunately it is something like pandoras box and once you open it- it cant be shut again. and i wish it could more than anybody. if you are a fan of mine please dont vote for me in those stupid polls or anything that doesnt have to do with something i feel passionate about. even that being said. even pretty much going out every night thinking the whole front row of the audience hated me. it felt like going from hulk hogan to sid justice, or whatever his name was. but it still was therapy. and i felt a connection. i felt like a real human. im not the greatest one on one. actually i am probably one of the worst. i dont like to talk or at least i keep whatever i am thinking bottled up. i guess this is me saying thank you for giving that to me. i dont think i can say it enough.
without it now i feel like i am unravelling. and i the reason for the robert downey jr. quote is ive read in interviews that he turned to physical activities and martial arts as a form of therapy. and i guess thats where i get my therapy now that fob is gone. i get it from running and yoga. its bringing me to a better place in my head. no real reason to write this- except to say: you guys were real. you guys are real. pretty rare these days.